Parental “need” vs. child “want”.

"It’s essential to consider the interests of those you lead," and "leadership primarily differs from manipulation in that a leader takes into account the interests of those they guide." This is what we teach the students in our Key Figures School and the participants of our workshops. This principle should be the foundation of managing companies and building relationships with others.

Naturally, this principle should also apply to relationships within a family. Parents must always act in the best interest of their child.

"But how could it be otherwise?" you may ask. "It simply cannot," I’d answer, but it brings up another question: "What, then, are a child's interests?"

When we talk about someone’s "interest," we mean that it’s an acknowledged need, and an unmet interest indicates an unmet need that drives them to seek ways to fulfill it. It’s something so essential that it compels the individual to find ways to obtain it.

But what about when it concerns a child? From a parent’s perspective, what does "the child's interest" mean — is it what the child "wants" or what the parents deem "necessary"? Often, it’s the parents' "necessary" that directly conflicts with the child’s "wants," which, in the eyes of the parents, serves the child's best interests.

A newborn communicates their "wants" through crying. Parents change diapers, feed them, even late at night, and sometimes fathers work from home with the baby in their arms.

Parents determine what the child needs when they cry and when they smile. Parents take on the responsibility of meeting the baby’s needs because the child cannot meet them on their own yet.

But children grow up. First, they learn to speak and can let parents know what they want and don’t want, which, let’s be honest, often becomes the topic of disagreements, and sometimes real conflicts. As the child grows, they can meet more of their own wants and needs, and gradually, in line with their age, they begin to take the reins of their life into their own hands.

What happens to the parents? For a long time, parents are the “main responsible” and “main to blame” for everything that happens to the child and, correspondingly, the “main decision-makers” for the child. The child grows up, and the parents? By the natural order of things, parents should also "grow up" and gradually allow the child to make decisions — initially small, safe ones — and increasingly transfer to them the role of "chief responsible party."

But unfortunately, this often does not happen! Many parents never really "grow up." Mom knows best what the child needs and wants. Remember the old joke?

"— Arkasha, come home immediately! — Mom, am I cold? — No, you're hungry!"

I know a mother of a forty-year-old son who, in response to his account of how he spends his time, without hesitation and completely seriously, sternly says, "I don’t permit you to do that!"

No comments!

The examples could go on, but I think you, dear readers, understand what I’m talking about.

In our family reflective games "Parents and Children," which focus on the relationships between parents and children, the topic of who makes decisions — parents or children — on various issues that expand as the child grows, is always a source of lively debate.

Starting at a certain age, children need to start making decisions for themselves, naturally those they can handle at their age. They need to make choices based on their understanding of their interests, to learn how to live independently. Unfortunately, most parents find it difficult to accept this!

What’s even more troubling is that when the "parents and children" conflict continues into the next stage, and grown-up children complain about issues with their elderly parents, this topic still remains relevant.

Quite mature parents, often already retired, with their life experience and a belief that they know best, try to "teach their adult children how to live."

They often feel frustrated and hurt that, in most cases, their children are neither interested in nor in need of such guidance. And not because the children don’t respect or love their parents! They do. But they want to build their lives their own way, not according to their parents' scripts. It’s their life and their right to make their own mistakes, follow their own paths, and find happiness in their own way.

So, what are the children’s interests? Is it the parents’ "necessary" or the child's "want"? Each parent answers this question for themselves; the main thing is to avoid smothering the child with an overwhelming love. Allow your children, as they grow, to take responsibility for their own lives!

Тетяна Буданцова